I have been always fascinated by ants, these little creatures that crawl everywhere, I was fascinated by their determination in particular, ever saw an ant trying again and again and again to come over a seemingly impossible obstacle?
One day I was sitting outdoors, beneath my feet there was a little black ant moving, almost all its moves were between the distance between my two feet, for some reason I kept watching it with an illogical desire to simply squash it coming over me sometimes, I imagined the world through the ants’ eyes ( technically through its antenna ), it must be seeing an enormous land between two similar mountains, a vast land filled with dangers and obstacles threatening its little existence, but it’s determined to go, it has the reason to go.
I imagined if this little and had the perception to see that the vast land between two huge mountains was actually just few centimeters between my feet, will it feel disappointed that its reason is so insignificant it means nothing?
I woke up, opened my eyes slowly, and slowly left my body to sit on the edge of the bed, I was looking at the space between my feet, and remembered the little ant from yesterday, thoughts were running through my half sleeping mind.
I have seen this before, this space between my feet, actually this is the first thing that I see everyday after i wake up, I look ahead and already know what comes next, already seen my self going up to wash my face, coming back to the room, picking up the towel, opening the wardrobe to pick what I will wear, begin to change, taking off my t-shirt first then..
I have seen this before, so many times that I don’t know what day is today, I have done it so many times that what what day it is doesn’t really matter anymore, the fact that my life is a series of steps that occurs everyday with the same sequence – as normal as it may seem – left me feeling empty, reminded me with the question I dread so much…why ?
I guess If I asked you what is the reason of your life you wouldn’t answer right away, ok let me try to explain more, what is the thing that makes you willing to breathe when you wake up, what is it that puts whatever you do in your life in perspective, that makes you feel your time on this earth is worth it, that makes you feel alive rather than watching your life passing by? I guess by now you have left because you don’t understand what the hell am talking about.
My humble experience taught me that people approach the answer in different ways, there are who can’t find an answer on their own, so they go and see what others are doing, their answer becomes I live my life to work, I work to get money, when I get money I will buy an apartment, get married, have kids and….die.
Don’t try to ask about if they feel passion in what they do, or ever they wondered about their existence in the universe, they won’t answer because they are hardly managing to live with what they have, I mean if everybody else is doing the same thing it must be right…right?
And there are who skip the question all together, they don’t bother with the pain of searching for an answer, then why worry about the question in the first place, it’s pretty enough to live on the prospect of what el- ahly will do against el-tersana next week, or who’s better amr diab or tamer hosny ?
I won’t question these answers, because i can’t judge how you feel about your life, rather I shall ask you if you don’t feel that these answers bring you the peace you are looking for, don’t be afraid to ask why, yes you may have to face the pain of not knowing the answer right away, but it’s better than looking back at your life feeling it was wasted because you wanted to live others’ life instead of your own, and now there’s no way to change this, because what time we pass in this life will not come back, it will be lost if you didn’t answer…why?