Blog Entry # 1

I went away for so long, maybe because I lost my reason, but now I can’t think if any other place to go to, I hesitated If I should go back but now I can’t stop my fingers from writing these words even if nobody will care enough to read them, because maybe this time I am truly writing for my own sake.

Let me first excuse you, I will just hang all my masks on the door before I enter, let me just hang the hesitated smile away, and put the face of enthusiasm just here, and of course let me take off the happy face because we won’t need it here.

Here I am, naked in front of you, putting away all my masks to see me for who I really feel, because I am not here to please you by faking, I am here to find comfort in truth,to show who I am, because I can’t even lie to you even If I wanted.

Let me sit down and close my eyes, I know you don’t seem surprised because you can see through my soul, you do understand even If you didn’t talk, funny how I can’t find a human being to be able to do the same.

You just see through my tired face without all the masks I wear all the day, let me tell you they are really not comfortable at all.

I thought it would be easier to wear them after a while, I mean everybody is wearing them with ease, but it didn’t get easier, It became harder, I wonder how they manage to live with them so easily.

But who I am to judge anybody in any way, I don’t pretend to have the even the slightest part of the truth, yeh that specific mask I could never wear.

Isn’t funny to see my young tired face, to see through my eyes to an exhausted soul that almost had enough with life, funny or weird or pathetic I am not really sure, but I told you I came here for the truth, the hard cold truth.

And the truth that I am puzzled, confused, searching for something I am not even sure what is it, but I keep the masks on to go through, to communicate with others putting their own masks, engaging in a silly play that they take for true.

The truth that sometimes I don’t even know why should I get up from bed, they say because everybody else does, because you will wake up and go to work, because you need money, because you want that car, you want people to fear your position, you want to be the star, you want to live like this for 50 years and then say to your self..oops..time just passed away.

What a perfect world we are living in, the standards of happiness are so clear, yet you don’t find happy people, but again who I am to judge anybody, although everybody seem to have the pleasure judging me.

Would it be weird If I told you how much screwed I feel, you know why it doesn’t feel weird, because somehow I feel you will understand, somehow your warm eyes and comforting smile tells me not to be ashamed of my weaknesses in front of you, maybe even to be proud that I find comfort in truth that all the mask-wearers out there so afraid to face just because it doesn’t seem to fit in their “perfect” world.

It seems that I don’t even have words to say, but you shall understand, I shall close my eyes and let my tears break my defences, but you just smile…you shall understand.

2 thoughts on “Blog Entry # 1

  1. this is one lucky blog that u are exposing ur self to, its getting serenaded with beautiful words, if only girls were to be so lucky! 🙂

  2. Nice thoughts and delicate feelings as usual… Sure there will be a time when you know what you want and have your reason in life, but it may take sometime, so be sure while this journey you are taking care of people who care about you a lot, people you used to lean on while acting to be strong and self-sufficient, as people also need this touch of care back not only you! so be there for them as much time you can as they do for you, and draw them close to feel this warm inside rather than being away so long and suddenly wondering why they change, maybe being away learned them how to let go!!

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