It’s pretty hot and windy today, I sit down, the tunes of the solo piano I am hearing playing with my ears, soothing my mind , maybe delaying the arrival of the fact to my mind, I am writing again.
For such a long time I kind of escaped the fact that it’s been ages since I have wrote anything here, every time I come and open a new blank post in front of me, the emptiness of it scares me off and I say to my self “maybe another time”, but the truth that I was fearing to face is the feeling that maybe I don’t need to write anymore, and that scared me to an extent, it was as if a very important part inside of me decided to stop, and I wasn’t sure yet why or what’s the meaning behind it.
To try and go around this feeling, I tried in the past few months to re-publish the old posts I have written before here, maybe to give my self the illusion that I still have something yet to say, even if it was not true.
But time came to face my fear, to face the idea that I may really have nothing more to say, that the desire in me that let all those crashing ideas come out into words has just stopped, I was afraid and scared because I didn’t know what that means, but before I knew it I began to think , why the emptiness of the blank post scares you that much ??
I began writing in a very unstable period of my life, a crashing sea of feelings and ideas and uncertainties that drove me to write, as much as I said that it was nothing more than expressing some thoughts, it meant much more.
Now I remember how I felt after finishing a new post, this eagerness to finish as soon as possible for people to read, every 3 seconds I open the blog and check -not for comments- but just if there were any views to that new post I just added, and just seeing that it had 3 new views meant everything back then to me,the truth that I sought approval through those words, maybe an approval I didn’t feel in real life and looked for it using this persona that wrote things people liked, somehow it was for me two diffrent people, that’s why it meant much more for me to write something and find appraising comments, the rush was so unbelievable.
A word of love I wished to say, a thought dwelling within my minds screaming to get out, the emptiness of a blank post seemed my refuge from a world I felt I couldn’t define my self in, or maybe couldn’t find my self, this persona was my alter ego, my hero that with words could and show everything I wished it would show in my real life byond the barriers of anxiety and slef conscious, it showed a part of my soul that I felt it was so me but couldn’t know how to show it.
And as everything comes and goes, and the night becomes day, and as the winter collects its coolness and leave in the end letting the spring breathe new life in the universe, came a new me, a different me that was so determined to change what seemed beyond changing, that part of my soul I think at last felt numb and thought it was time to get out and fix what needs to be fixed, to bring back happiness to my life that along ago I forgot about, no not happiness but balance, to lead me away from the dark paths I walked in for so long and felt that it was my only destiny, at a certain point the real desire of life took control and said “Stop kid..I’ll take it from here, enough crazy sad PMs and weird stuff you keep thinking of, there’s a life ahead of you and you need to live it”.
Then the blank emptiness of the post became my fear, because it reminded me of the time I couldn’t realize my dreams in reality, then I felt maybe I don’t need to write again, but still it didn’t make me happy, it was like a certain part of me refused to believe that this was the end of it, that those words was just a way of a person to somehow escape his life into the paper, refused to think that all those words didn’t carry a real part of me.
It went for a while, a long while actually that I thought that I may not find courage to write again, but here I am striking my keyboard and filling the emptiness with words, but this time it’s me who’s writing not just my hero persona, this time what is driving me is realizing my reality into these words not escaping it anymore, I write because this time around my belief is in the real person not in the fictional persona.
Something I learned is I don’t need to try so hard to be a wise a**, I am who I am with my mistakes and good deeds, where light and darkness lives within me to shape the “human” that I am, a lot of times I sought perfection so the hero don’t fall in my eyes, but this time around I’ll try to let just me write, and just enjoy the unbeliavble beauty of letting the whole word know who you are, just enjoy the fact that with these words I am kind of leaving the tiniest bit of my mark in this world and do not live like the next guy, just enjoy.
Whether or not you understand anything of what I said or it seems useless words to you, I just wanted you to know that I think I am back, and I’ll try to let me this time around enjoy writing words as much as I hope that you too enjoy reading it, I know you do, you coming back to read new stuff tell me you do 😀 just keep coming back always.
Greeting to all of you reading ,dear friends…I again welcome you to little pieces of life.