I was going through my mail when it cought my eyes a folder I had titled “B-Day 2006”, I opened it although I know exactly what was in it, I opened it because that why I kept it in the first place.
In it I saved 3 mails that were sent to me on my 20th birthday, the different thing about them that they were not just links to e-cards,they were actual words written for me, real warm wishes for me full of “3o2bal 100000 sana” and “sana 7lwa ya gamil”.
When I did open it, I remembered exactly why I saved it in the first place, when I first read them,no..sorry when I first got them for the first time, I really didn’t cared even if they were empty, the sole prospect of someone sitting down and writing happy birthday wishes with own words rather than just sending another e-card which would be completely perfect just…filled my heart with joy.
Back then maybe I supposed that I want to keep this joy by saving those mails,as If I am saving a proof that my friend x and friend y and friend z cared for me once that they did send me a birthday mail with their own words !!!
As much as this idea seems to me childish now, I couldn’t fight the little jumps of joy in my chest reading those words again,the little child in me that felt such a special a person back then woke again and made his little joy dance, yes those words were for me, from people I really love and it was especially for me, not just another e-card but especially for me!!!!!!!!!!!
As much it felt good, I found my self deleting the whole folder with all the mails in it,without even looking back, as if this was I was intending to do when I opened it that day,but I just wanted to take a last look at it before it goes for good.
As much it felt good, it was just a moment in the past, yes maybe a special one, but it wasn’t enought for me anymore, I already lost alot living on past moments and I didn’t want to do that again.
Maybe it was the unspeakable fear that those who cared for me then don’t feel the same way anymore,maybe deep inside I didn’t want a day to come where I look at those mails wondering “what happened..do they still care for me or when did I lose them down the road??”
I guess the most important thing that I wanted to do is to stop , just smile about a moment in the past, but look to the future because that what I really have.
But for the b-day 2006 folder, your probably don’t remember the mails you sent my friends, but just a one last note, you made the heck of my day then 🙂